My Brother

For some reason, the constant theme of my past few months of life upheaval have centered on the theme of brothers, specifically older brothers.
I think I started to develop a need for it as I learned that my mother long ago had an abortion before I was born. I came to view this death about which I had never known as my lost sibling, particularly my lost older brother, although I didn't concretely set up the identity as my older brother until about a year ago. But somehow I had it on my mind. Between the feeling of having been cheated of part of my family, and the feeling of fatherlessness in the wake of my own father's flight, I built a hole in my heart for an older, male protector figure, who came to be the older brother.
So as I started acquiring connections with young authority figures, I recieved those relationships as brotherly ones. I'm sure I set up all of those slightly older males to treat me with sympathy and even pity sometimes, and to be especially caring for my seemingly pathetic and need self.
I never realized how important it has been for me to have brother figures in my life. I started to imagine that maybe if I'd had an actual big bro growing up, he might have protected me from my--our--parents. I can't know that, of course, I can't know what it would have really been like.
Anyway, my current, most important brother has helped me to realize just how important certain things are.
He has shown me the importance, for one, of viewing my male friends strictly as brothers, and not wasting time and energy trying to make them into anything else.
I've once again reached the point of no longer trying to fall in love with anyone at all, and trying to accept singleness as a good thing. It takes a lot of prayer.