Things I hate about sleeping

When I first stir awake, that is like my last chance to get out of danger. It's my window of opportunity to escape. Otherwise, I am suddenly washed over by a wave of thoughts I'd rather not have. And it's not just those moments of awakening. It seems whenever i am home, they start creeping up, and all my neural activity floats in the same direction, slowly. All of my idle moments can suddenly be flooded with it.
I think about those guys, the good one and the bad one. I can concentrate on nothing productive. I visualize and imagine and plan, and even when i want to stop I don't. because the other impulses are stronger and I forget everything else.
The thoughts are there before I fall asleep, too. That's why I don't like my bed. I prefer to sleep on the couch. For a while I could sleep out there and not get those malproductive ideas, but now they've snuck over there, too. It'' somehow not as bad there, though. well, anyway, that was a rambling way of saying I think about sex too much, especially in my apartment, and I don't know what it is about the place that inspires it.

That thing is still happening

I think there is some kind of continuum across which I slide depending on various factors, mainly spiritual. And of course, on either end of this continuum is one of the two guy, my two guys. The ones past which I never moved. I think about them less regularly, but still, there are so many occassions on which they spring into my mind. It's usually a memory of one, something he did that added favorably to my opinion of him. Ugh. i've finally developed an idea of why I lean toward on or the other. It's a continuum of my spiriual state.
There's the "bad" one, the more superficially interesting one. He is, consequently, the one I want in moments of weak spirit. The times when flesh rises up with its mission of destruction and short-term gratification. I don't think his appeal is exclusively to lust, but a lot of it is. I do love him, though, or at least convince myself that I do.

Then there's the other one, who is perfect in every sense except for superficial appeal. I don't meant that he's not attractive, because he is. I mean he is not dangerous or tragic like the first guy, and thus doesn't inspire me to want to help him, because he doesn't need anything from me. I don't think I conciously love him as much as I do the other one. there are just a few rare moments when it surges up, those moments of remeniscing. Those moments occur when I recover strength of spirit and think of what I truly need and deserve rather than staying in a pit of sabotage.

of course, ideally, I shouldn't want either right now, and thus the continuum shouldn't end
but should continue on to the right
so that in the rare times when my spirit is especially strong, I know better than to look for fulfilment in some man, as if that would fill up all the voids.

I like my visual.

That thing that happens

Ok, so based on the information I recently learne, I was suddenly in a unique position.
By this I mean that for once I didn't like anybody. And this is a great thing, because for once my head was cleared up and I wasn't constantly thinking pointlessly but could actually concentrate on the currently relevant. That is very nice.
Unfortunately it's bound to be short lived. In fact, it was short lived. I soon went back to being bombarded by the wrong images all over again. It gets in the way so much. Those moments when I'm trying to decide whether to get up or keep pretending to sleep, and along come those visions. They really don't help.
To be slightly less vague, the problem with those fantasy moments is that they're not real. They take a normal person, a real person that I know, and turn him into something that is not real but is dominant in my mind. And I can't relate to such a person as he is, but only as he relates to the fabricated variation of him that is in my mind. And that is no way to be left dealing with good, decent people.
And the less I see of the real versions of such people, the more the fantasy counterparts grow and take over.

Surely there's a way to get away from such a state of mind. I know there was a moment today when I was screaming in mind for it to stop. I was thinking "Oh, God, don't ever let that happen." And it wouldn't be that hard to stop it, either. I just went right back to visualizing. I felt bad for doing it, but not enough to stop doing it.

Ideally I would stop, and i would be totally satisfied with my life, rather than longing for something I don't need as if it is the only thing I need.

Now, I would like to be really happy to be satisfied with being alone for now. It bothers me a little that my roomate keeps trying to set me up. It's really nice of her to do it, but it would be better if I were ready. Unfortunately, I should at least spend a little while being ok with being without anybody before I can be ok with being with anybody.
Otherwise, I would be simply using one person to forget about all previous persons and trying to fill up some emotional void. That's not fair to those persons. That's all I have to say about that.

An unanticipated dilemma

It has come to my attention that my roommate is much more knowledgeable than I had previously assumed:

1. Despite my many nonexistant efforts to conceal the existence of my blog, she found it. To imagine that listing it under "favorites" would make it fair game. This was combined with the nature of blogs to gradually become less and less confidential while the information confided becomes more and more personal.
2. on an unrelated note I feel incredibly sick right now.
3. She is very good at extracting information by force during long lunch breaks

And I was also enlightened to the fact that certain parties have met with her in discourse of certain important matters.

Anyway, tricky little one, she is. I think we've reached one of those monumental points at which a relationship drastically changes based on the divulging of heartfelt information and individual layers of emotional chitin must be scrapped.

Based on something she said today, she has the same type of problem I do. She said something like "the way i act is totally different from the way i am." Thus I think that like me, she has a bunch of shields up against the world that serve as a good blind against strangers. Unfortunately for whatever plans bread those wall, friends encroach and invade past such barriers and sometimes knock them out entirely.

And I think that whenever significant breaches occur, relationships are forced to change. Now I wonder what is going to happen.