So ever since schol started it's like my whole life started falling apart and I can't figure out why.Ok, I can figure out why, My prayer life fell apart first. Ok, that's my problem. That's simple enough. Problem solved. It's just kinda difficult.
I also moved, I also fell like crap. I got away from my lunatic friend. Well, she wasn't a lunatic but she acts like a serious lunatic when it comes to making really impulsive decisions that severly screw me over. What else? Well I'm not a leader.
I think that's problematic enough. I don't know why I wanted to be a leader so bad and I can't do it right now. That's simple enough, too. I need to stop being so proud and desirous of power that I'll be able to handle leadership if I get it. That's simple enough, just not easy.
Ok so that's enough of that.
I mis SLT. I missed my chance for crying. I was thinking I wanted to be there so bad yesterday. I wanted to go somewhere safe and cry so noone would hear. I wanted to go there and cry with somebody safe, so I wouldn't be all alone.
wierd things make me cry for wierd reasons. I see things that make me remember other things and then I feel really sick and want to cry. Like lst night I was watching this show and it creeped me out. I had this feeling all day like something sharp and triangular weighing down my stomache and poking me from the inside. I think I started seeing things in myself that I didn;t want. i was dizzy and sick still and felt like numbness was running through me like blood itself. I wanted to cry really hard. It was different. Usually when I want to cry it's because something evil is telling me all the sad things so I won't be able to do anything useful. This time I didn't hear any evil voice, it was like it was ok and I had to do it. but I can't cry out loud. I always try to do it without making any noise. That's how it's always been. It's too shameful.
Ok, That's all for now.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Ok i feel like crap
What else could I say about it? Ok, honestly, I have been amazingly blessed and helped and provided for and all kind of things. So why do I still feel like crap?
I know better than to do the things I've been doing, but I still do them, like the sleep deprivation thing. I set up my schedule to have me running from 0434 when my alarm goes off until 2100 some nights when my classes end. I honestly have about an hour free teim most days. So I at least had foresight to ask my bossess to give me an extra day off so I can sleep. I don't think I'll get that whole day every week but God is good so something will happen. I still have to pay for my internet until the stupid modem gets to where it needs to go. Stupid modem. I hate it.
Lets see, regardless of what I eat, I get incredibly painful gass. The intense pain is like a series of knots or like rocks moving through my intestines. It's like I'm suddenly allergic to food. What else can I complain about? My life is actually really good, other than the fact that I fell like my brain is ceasing to work. My memory is disappearing. My other boss seriously wants me to see a doctor because I can't remember anything he says and I can't think straight some times. Or any of the time for that matter. I also have an inherent incompetence that comes from approaching every simple task as if it is ten thousand times harder than it is, and I don't know why. It's like doing my job is like reaching for stuff on a shelf and all I have to do is grab it, but I see at as further away and higher up than it really is, and I see a couple of grates or something in front of the stuff so I don't think I can do it, but then someone shows me how and suddenly it's easy again. And it's like, "dude, I just had to grab it, but I felt like I had to move those two grates and climb up and stuff.
SO yeah, things aren't really bad, but I fell like crap. I need to sleep, I need to shower, I need to eat without feeling like I'm being stabbed from inside my guts. I need to not be appalled and disgusted with everything about my body and the way I look. I need to remember. I need to get a grip.
I need to not dwell on all the crap my previous roomate did to screw my life over. I need to remember for real.
Overall I really need Jesus. That I know is true.
I know better than to do the things I've been doing, but I still do them, like the sleep deprivation thing. I set up my schedule to have me running from 0434 when my alarm goes off until 2100 some nights when my classes end. I honestly have about an hour free teim most days. So I at least had foresight to ask my bossess to give me an extra day off so I can sleep. I don't think I'll get that whole day every week but God is good so something will happen. I still have to pay for my internet until the stupid modem gets to where it needs to go. Stupid modem. I hate it.
Lets see, regardless of what I eat, I get incredibly painful gass. The intense pain is like a series of knots or like rocks moving through my intestines. It's like I'm suddenly allergic to food. What else can I complain about? My life is actually really good, other than the fact that I fell like my brain is ceasing to work. My memory is disappearing. My other boss seriously wants me to see a doctor because I can't remember anything he says and I can't think straight some times. Or any of the time for that matter. I also have an inherent incompetence that comes from approaching every simple task as if it is ten thousand times harder than it is, and I don't know why. It's like doing my job is like reaching for stuff on a shelf and all I have to do is grab it, but I see at as further away and higher up than it really is, and I see a couple of grates or something in front of the stuff so I don't think I can do it, but then someone shows me how and suddenly it's easy again. And it's like, "dude, I just had to grab it, but I felt like I had to move those two grates and climb up and stuff.
SO yeah, things aren't really bad, but I fell like crap. I need to sleep, I need to shower, I need to eat without feeling like I'm being stabbed from inside my guts. I need to not be appalled and disgusted with everything about my body and the way I look. I need to remember. I need to get a grip.
I need to not dwell on all the crap my previous roomate did to screw my life over. I need to remember for real.
Overall I really need Jesus. That I know is true.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Scared crapless: Crying with Caleb
So I thought I was watching someone I love die, on his first birthday, and I was really wondering what I was going to tell his parents.
Ok, for some bizarre reason I love Caleb more than anything. I love Matthias, his brother, too, but I think Caleb has the cute infant advantage.
Well, the 29th was Caleb's first birthday and I got to babysit both kids for a while cuz their parents had to go to a meeting. So it was the second time I'd been alone babysitting. Typically, the adults are working upstairs in the office and I'm just keeping the little guys occupied.
Well, this time I was alone and we were upstairs in Caleb's room and I was talking to Matthias and Caleb was on the floor. All of a sudden I looked at Caleb and something was wrong.
He looked upset and his mouth was open all the way. His eyes were even bigger than normal and his whole face was quickly turning purple.
I panicked, thinking he must be choking and I don't know what to do. He definately wasn't breathing. I prayed and continued panicking and trying to figure out how on earth to un-choke a one-year-old.
The worst part was when he kind of passed out or something. His eyes glazed over and he was just staring into nothing. I thought he had died. I couldn't even register how bad that felt. I had some hope that maybe if I called 911 they could do something. I thought "ambulances take four mintes. If he's still alive he can last for a little longer than that."
Right when I reached for my phone he started screaming, and I was so happy that air was coming out that I started crying. I cried about everything: the true horrible feeling that he could have died, the helplessness oof not knowing what to do, the responsibility for his death. I cried for like, two minutes, which is a hugely long time for me.
Matthias, who is three, just kind of was sitting there the whole time not understanding and he asked, "Why are you crying?"
SO i called the parents and explained what had happened. I hadn't realized that caleb randomly stops breathing when he's really upset. Oh, good to know. I knew he used to stop breathing, like a year ago when he was just born, I didn't realize he still does that.
Well, that was the day I moved, so I had to wait for a ride to go to my new place. The kid's mom had taken the car home from the meeting to give me a break early from the traumatic experience. The dad was getting a ride home later. So while we were waiting we talked about something called theofostic prayer (no idea how it's spelled) [θеjəfastɪk] (schwa and cap-I) and that made a difference. I ended up sleeping on their couch for a couple hours before going home.
Ok, for some bizarre reason I love Caleb more than anything. I love Matthias, his brother, too, but I think Caleb has the cute infant advantage.
Well, the 29th was Caleb's first birthday and I got to babysit both kids for a while cuz their parents had to go to a meeting. So it was the second time I'd been alone babysitting. Typically, the adults are working upstairs in the office and I'm just keeping the little guys occupied.
Well, this time I was alone and we were upstairs in Caleb's room and I was talking to Matthias and Caleb was on the floor. All of a sudden I looked at Caleb and something was wrong.
He looked upset and his mouth was open all the way. His eyes were even bigger than normal and his whole face was quickly turning purple.
I panicked, thinking he must be choking and I don't know what to do. He definately wasn't breathing. I prayed and continued panicking and trying to figure out how on earth to un-choke a one-year-old.
The worst part was when he kind of passed out or something. His eyes glazed over and he was just staring into nothing. I thought he had died. I couldn't even register how bad that felt. I had some hope that maybe if I called 911 they could do something. I thought "ambulances take four mintes. If he's still alive he can last for a little longer than that."
Right when I reached for my phone he started screaming, and I was so happy that air was coming out that I started crying. I cried about everything: the true horrible feeling that he could have died, the helplessness oof not knowing what to do, the responsibility for his death. I cried for like, two minutes, which is a hugely long time for me.
Matthias, who is three, just kind of was sitting there the whole time not understanding and he asked, "Why are you crying?"
SO i called the parents and explained what had happened. I hadn't realized that caleb randomly stops breathing when he's really upset. Oh, good to know. I knew he used to stop breathing, like a year ago when he was just born, I didn't realize he still does that.
Well, that was the day I moved, so I had to wait for a ride to go to my new place. The kid's mom had taken the car home from the meeting to give me a break early from the traumatic experience. The dad was getting a ride home later. So while we were waiting we talked about something called theofostic prayer (no idea how it's spelled) [θеjəfastɪk] (schwa and cap-I) and that made a difference. I ended up sleeping on their couch for a couple hours before going home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)