Truly Guilty Dream

Not to spend every moment complaining about bad dreams, but this one was really meaningful. You know how when you're awake you can fake everything, but dreams come and show you what's really on your mind? Well in this dream, is was actually worse than the lesbian dream because that dream was completely out of the park. This recent dream, however, in the moments between sleep and full consciousness, seemed possible, and I felt really guilty that I might do such a thing for real.
In the dream I eloped with some guy I had just met and I was really exited because I actually got married. It was awesome, but then as I was about to prepare for the wedding night, I remembered my friend who's been out of town most of the summer. I thought "I should tell him. I should have told everyone. Shoot. Nobody knows." And I felt really bad even in the dream for just running off, and I felt really stupid and compulsive for taking on a total stranger. I thought "If I should be with anyone right now, it's my friend." So I asked to delay everything. I was already disappointed at how unadorned the whole thing was. So yeah, that was my nightmare.
I think the moral was, don't go desperately looking to strangers for fulfillment, when you probably alreadt know the one. Toward the end I was thinking "He comes back tomorrow. I have to stall until tomorrow." I didn't know what I planned to do. I was so regretful. That dream has been haunting me all day. At least I realized some really important things. Well, I'll see my friend tomorrow. I won't tell him about the dream just yet, though. I hope some day I can.

iNFJ

I found that for which I was looking, the keirsey sorter, at keirsey.com
unfortunately, in order to stay afloat it is a business, thus naturally needs to charge for the full range of its services. I just wanted to know my "type" which I was able to get without forking over my credit card number.
As the title indicates, I am an iNFJ or a couselor. I tried to test this, wondering if perhaps I had just fudged it the first time, but my second try produced exactly the same results as before. Creepy. I'm still an iNFJ. I was hoping to see if maybe personality type can change over time, but it doesn't. Not according to the survey and certain assumptions. I assume every time I take the questionaire, it recalculates the new data and doesn't just refer to old data.

Horribly disturbing dreams

For the past two days at least i have been plagued by some messed up lesbian dreams. That's most of what I have to say about that.
I think the worst thing about it was that in the context of the dream it was ok and I was a little bothered by what was going on, but only when I woke up was I truly disgusted.
I think that's all I should have to say there.
I have to go and find something now.

Fear and Bread

For some reason I am so intimidated by the presence of food. It is as though when it is there, it has to be eliminated as quickly as possible, so I won't eat it later.
It can't possibly have that much to do with starving, because I never had serious problems with starving, even when I was very young.
I remember whenever we did have food, it was gone quickly and we went a long time before it was replaced. I remember when my lunch consisted only of two fruits and I don't remember how I did for the other meals of the day. I don't think I ever snuck as much food as I do now. I did hide what I was eating, but never to the extent I have recently.
I definately never crept around at night to nab food from the kitchen, but back then I was at home. Since then I've been under the hospitality of others. Now I buy my own food, but I still eat mostly when noone is looking. I don't know what my problem is. It's like even thought there is blatant evidence, I don't want to be caught in the act and judged, because I just want to be able to commit the act itself.
I seriously wonder why I have such a bizarre eating disorder now. I've been through every eating disorder that exists. I've been anorexic, I couldn't stand bulemia, and then at other times I've been a compulsive eater. I think that's a good title for it. Compelled to do it, even though I don't really want to.
I tend to feel really self-defeated and thwarted because I stay good whenever there are people around, but when I am alone, I fall to the compulsions, even though I don't want to
It is also as though I'm being humbled. I so proudly think to myslef I won't eat any of the food in the kitchen, and then I eat it all without being able to stop. And I get angry when it is brought to my attention that I have eating everything. I take it as a vile accusation and an insult. I get reallly offended, I don't like how the act appears. It looks selfish, it looks undisciplined. It is, really. I look like a liar, too, given my voiced intentions.
Whatever. I am trying to remember the start of my most prominent self-destructive tendency. I remember when I was a little kid and I hadn't wanted to eat what had been served for dinner, which was something like a burrito. It had been thrown out. And then later that night I had gone through, genuinely hungry, and picked at it.
I remember another time, two houses later, when I had been eating something in the living room, and internally yelled at myself with disgust and judgement, pronouncing that I would be poor and in a trailer or something, but would always have my food. And there was a third incident, I don't remember which house, still with my parents, though, and I had been trying to hide the fact that I was eating the remaining block of cheddar.
Now, I have my normal level of thought and function in which I know better. I know a lot better. I know exactly what I want and what I must do to move in that direction. However, whenever something emotional happens, the other set of motivations takes over and the most important thing is sustenance, the more destructive the better, whether the damage is to health or reputation. I can see the thoughts coming. I don't know why I don't stop them. It is necessary, absolutely. I always feel guilty after they have passed.
I wonder where the second mindset came from. I'm trying to remember where it started. I know the ideal way to get rid of it, as well. I could get rid of it at any moment. In fact, I know the method works.
I think the second mindset, that is what I call it, did something to comfort me, long ago, when i was alone and afraid and didn't even think about God. I think, though, that the more I depend on Him, the less rampant is the second. I remember the summer I read the whole bible. I was so constantly flooded with the Word, that I had no need for my protective animal thoughts so I didn't eat like a monster and I lost close to twenty pounds. That was a really good summer. I miss that feeling of ease. It's so nice to have the Spirit. It is the best feeling there is. I've lost so much confidence recently. yeah. I don't know what else to say. I've lost a lot of things.

Things that Annoy and Anger me

I am probably most annoyed by my blood relatives, specifically my parents.
I am also annoyed by matters involving money, this is closely related to my wrath against my parents.
I am annoyed that my place of education is not actually a school but a business selling degrees.
Thus I am annoyed with the actual cost of school combined with all of the paperwork and deadlines that have been falling on me lately.
The annoyance is augmented by the necessity to involve my parents. It is upgraded to genuine anger by the fact that I must cite their income and cannot consider myself an independent student simply because they are alive and I am currently under 24. There are some other requirements I don't remember, as well, all rendering me a technical dependent.
This is insulting to me because I shouldn't be considered a dependent, I shouldn't have to call up both my estranged begettors-turned-abandonors every year to beg for their compliance and I shouldn't have to wait for my dad to mail me a copy of his tax forms. I shouldn't have to fill out any dependence verification forms nor any notice of non-tax-filer status for my mom without her even being aware of my need to do so. I shouldn't have to forge any signatures just to apply for financial aid, which will be reduced even further by how much my dad makes, in spite of the fact that he hasn't provided for me at all since I was sixteen.
There was a particularly injurious moment at the financial aid office when I was asking some questions to get around having to account for my father's salary. I was asked, "which parent provided at least half of something-something--?" and I snapped "Neither!"
So I wonder, is there anything I can do to register the fact that I've been supporting myself, and before that I was surviving by the charity of friends and extended family, none of whom had any obligation to do so nor should they be expected to finance me any more than they already have.
There, that's what's bothering me. There should be some means of registering as a dependant-of-deadbeats or abandoned dependant. Otherwise, my family is expected to contribute several thousand, not including loans, and it is clear to all involved besided the U that my immediate family will not be contributing a cent.
The last time I got this concerned about university policy was right after I was almost raped and I was furious that the residence halls are entirely co-ed. There needs to be gender segregation. If I could have absolute power in that regard, there would be no males allowed anywhere near my room unsupervised, and I would not be allowed in any male's room without a chaperone, because that's how it happened. But that happened several months ago.

Fake People

I used to have a serious problem. Now it's not so bad, but it still comes up from time to time. For the longest time I didn't catagorize myself with the rest of humanity. It's not that I didn't think I was human, not consciously anyway. It was more a matter of seeing myself as entirely different from all others, in a bad way, on a much lower level.
I even tried to explain it to my best friend. I told her about how I never felt like a real person. That's how I worded it, and I explained why I didn't see myself as important at all.
Anyway, enough about that. That personal issue is only important in how I've found a way to relate it to a much a larger social situation.
I live in a profoundly crappy area. It's all full of homeless people and not at all affluent. The really frustrating aspect of living here is that despite the diversity and the up front need to face people who are different from me, I am no more tolerant of others. In fact, I've found racist, sexist, agist, classist, and any other biased tendencies are magnified. This I associate with the fact that I see every stereotype I know rendered in human form and I deal with them every day, acting just as expected.
I think that this is because of stereotypical expectation itself rather than a means of proving the accuracy of those stereotypes.
By example, I have such expectations as predicting all men to be thoughtless, self centered, and unattentive. I see them constantly proving that they are. I think they do it largely because many like me expect it, so they know no other behavior. The sdame goes for expecting certain groups of women, whether old and old-fashioned or young and spoiled, to be picky and haughty.
The worst, though, is the racially based expectation. I think it's a huge social problem that permeates a lot of the country.
I think white Americans hold the paradigm that they are the normal ones and the real people, and thus all others around them are variations on their base. This means noone of any other race is truly a real person, but more a parody of a person, and has to have a parody identity.
I think that this belief puts pressure on an average black man, telling him he's not a normal man because he's not a white man, so he can't be a straight character. He has to be some wierd comical character, so his identity becomes like a joke. In some way he must be some kind of clown.
I see examples in the young male students I know. They are perfectly capable of behaving quietly and sensibly, but instead they are loud, obnoxious, and oversexed, as though that defines who they are, because they absolutley have to be that way. And it relieves conceited people like me from having to take them seriously, because they appear to constantly act idiotic.
It's not only annoying to me, but it's wrong. I don't see why every black man must be funny to me, so be smushed to the side of "normal" onto some abnormal and not quite real personality.
That's not really a complete thought, it's just an impulse, and I sure hope it doesn't look racist, because it's not.

'Cruiter nightmare

This is almost undoubtedly the result of sleeping for only three hours last night and being highly concerned about today's tasks.
I had also, right before retiring late last night, had a long conversation with my sister in which I alluded to a couple of traumatic childhood memories. Oh, and my bed is way too hot to sleep in. I ended up on the couch, and finally dreamed there.

so anyway the dream consisted entirely of previewing today's events. I attended to my pathetic occupation, little happening. I retrieved my check from the place of my laughable profession. Some things arose, but they were so reminiscent of reality there was little worth noting.
The truly disturbing thing, however, was the appearance of my recruiter in my dream. It was by far the freakiest thing that happened. I was supposed to go into the office today for height at weight check, but that ended up not happening. That it most fortunate for all those involved, because I don't think I could handle looking him in the eye after what happened in the dream.
He had to have been a combination of other things in the dream because the avatar was nothing like the actual person with whom it was identified. It was really weird. he kept changins his clothes, to I kept freakinf out like "Eek! Nude 'Cruiter. There are no words for how much that bothers me."
ok, that's out. I feel better.

Intro

Welcome to my blog. This is totally awesome. I have another blog but I branched over to this one to avaid a certain person who kept replying to all of my posts, unwanted. Compared to my other space, this leaves a few things to be desired, but it is very nice all the same, and here I can say some things I wouldn't risk because of the certainty of that certain person reading them and commenting.
I can't think of anything important just now, except maybe that I can't stand my mother, and she's the one who obsessively monitors my posts because she has no life.