Ok, so there's more to it than wanting to quit

Though there's not much to the concept of ranting out strangulatory depression. I haven't really felt and thought the same, but the ghosts of thoughts have been there and I don't know why. I haven't until recently felt the futility of my entire existence, or of my work, but I have been very sad. I don't know how long. Not just sad, but filled with sorrow. And not suicidally sad, but everyday, when i've felt sadness I have thought at some point, "I don't want to live any more." This thought has come up every single day and every time it has come up, I have thought, "That's not true? Why did I think that? I'm not really that sad." and even as I reason this, reasoning in reality, the subworld creeps up and says, "I'd rather be dead." Even when I disagree. I also think "I need to leave school because there's no reason for me to be here." and "I need to get out of ministry because I'm wasting my time. I hate wasting time more than anything." I really do hate wasting time, and I often hate just about everything about myself, sometimes. And I don't know why. But what really bothers me is the feeling that the spirit of depression is there, trying to tell me to kill myself and I don't believe it, but it's still there. And this especially bothers me because it seems there is the depression which isn't really mine, but just trying to get at me, and then there is real sorrow, and both are getting mixed together and difficult to distinguish.
It's just a rant. Ok, and here's one more reason I want to cut ties with everything and get out. I don't like being the problem child. I feel I should be out of the stage in which I need to complain about all my problems and on to the stage in which I help other people. I don't like taking up energy from others and absorbing time and resources just so everyone can deal with me. I hate it.
The other thing is that I can't stop feeling like an outsider. i've reallt never belonged anywhere, and in every circle i'm involved in, i feel like an outsider. i'm an outsider in my department, in my work, in my family, in my ministry, and maybe even in my church. In my family I feel like the screw-up, the one everyone's ashamed of, because if who my mother is, but even she doesn't like me or want anything to do with me. I feel like it's the role of the problem child that makes me an outsider. I'm like toxic waste, so it's hard for other people to endure. It's not really true, but I tend to feel that way, so I don't want to see my family, and I don't want to talk to my friends and make them bear how horrible I feel, because I can't stand being so pitiful or just appalling. I don't want to go to work and be useless and draining. I don't want to go to school and be depressed to the point that I can't learn. I feel sick of myself until I don't know what to do except die. It would probably be ok if I died. A lot of people would be sad, but I wonder if I already accomplished what I needed to. I don't think I have, but if I did it would be nice to be able to retire early. I could use the rest. I think I should at least have some will to live, which I do, just don't like being such a problem.