I still feel like crap, ok

So ever since schol started it's like my whole life started falling apart and I can't figure out why.Ok, I can figure out why, My prayer life fell apart first. Ok, that's my problem. That's simple enough. Problem solved. It's just kinda difficult.
I also moved, I also fell like crap. I got away from my lunatic friend. Well, she wasn't a lunatic but she acts like a serious lunatic when it comes to making really impulsive decisions that severly screw me over. What else? Well I'm not a leader.
I think that's problematic enough. I don't know why I wanted to be a leader so bad and I can't do it right now. That's simple enough, too. I need to stop being so proud and desirous of power that I'll be able to handle leadership if I get it. That's simple enough, just not easy.
Ok so that's enough of that.
I mis SLT. I missed my chance for crying. I was thinking I wanted to be there so bad yesterday. I wanted to go somewhere safe and cry so noone would hear. I wanted to go there and cry with somebody safe, so I wouldn't be all alone.
wierd things make me cry for wierd reasons. I see things that make me remember other things and then I feel really sick and want to cry. Like lst night I was watching this show and it creeped me out. I had this feeling all day like something sharp and triangular weighing down my stomache and poking me from the inside. I think I started seeing things in myself that I didn;t want. i was dizzy and sick still and felt like numbness was running through me like blood itself. I wanted to cry really hard. It was different. Usually when I want to cry it's because something evil is telling me all the sad things so I won't be able to do anything useful. This time I didn't hear any evil voice, it was like it was ok and I had to do it. but I can't cry out loud. I always try to do it without making any noise. That's how it's always been. It's too shameful.
Ok, That's all for now.