That thing is still happening

I think there is some kind of continuum across which I slide depending on various factors, mainly spiritual. And of course, on either end of this continuum is one of the two guy, my two guys. The ones past which I never moved. I think about them less regularly, but still, there are so many occassions on which they spring into my mind. It's usually a memory of one, something he did that added favorably to my opinion of him. Ugh. i've finally developed an idea of why I lean toward on or the other. It's a continuum of my spiriual state.
There's the "bad" one, the more superficially interesting one. He is, consequently, the one I want in moments of weak spirit. The times when flesh rises up with its mission of destruction and short-term gratification. I don't think his appeal is exclusively to lust, but a lot of it is. I do love him, though, or at least convince myself that I do.

Then there's the other one, who is perfect in every sense except for superficial appeal. I don't meant that he's not attractive, because he is. I mean he is not dangerous or tragic like the first guy, and thus doesn't inspire me to want to help him, because he doesn't need anything from me. I don't think I conciously love him as much as I do the other one. there are just a few rare moments when it surges up, those moments of remeniscing. Those moments occur when I recover strength of spirit and think of what I truly need and deserve rather than staying in a pit of sabotage.

of course, ideally, I shouldn't want either right now, and thus the continuum shouldn't end
but should continue on to the right
so that in the rare times when my spirit is especially strong, I know better than to look for fulfilment in some man, as if that would fill up all the voids.

I like my visual.