Still heavily ticked.

I hate that feeling of doubt that tries to tell me I wasted my time and haven't gotten any better.
However, I realized the important fact that the reason I felt extra crappy yesterday and then today was because they were my time with Christian people days. I have always found that on days when I am going to do something God-centered with other people, those are the days when i am angry and start to fell like I'm falling apart. It used to be just fridays. Now it's thrusdays, too. With most people it's sunday morning when something evil tells you not to get up for church and tried to give you some excuse not to go.
Well, I already knew this. I alrady knew all of this. Why don't I change if I know what I need? What is holding me back? It sucks. I want to stop being this way and I still don't.
So I don't know what to do. I did one important thing. I went through one important conversation. Now another one is kicking me in the face and I have to let it out.
Oh, and another thing, I'm really struggling with ow to handle my mom right now. That also involves only things that I know already.
I wonder what happens when all the fronts break down and I start being functional. It's not just scary, it's hard. But there's nothing else I can do. I keer trying to go back but I can't. It doesn't work.