Yay a friend

So I went through what I could consider my first day of consciously trying to overcome the dysfunction, which is really difficult, because, as I've said, it's been wrapped around everything I am. It's like a huge tumor, like the kind that's in your brain and makes a hole so it can sit there, so when you take the tumor out, there's a hole. That's how i feel. I feel like my whole body has been covered by tumors so I look like just one big tumor and I'm afraid I'll die without it there because there seems to be so little normal tissue left. But it's killing me anyway.
Well, I realized some important changes in giving up the dysfunction. I founf I didn't mind someone telling me I was doing something wrong. It was like, ok, I'll just do it right now. That's better. It wasn't like before when it would've been "Oh no, I made a mistake. Now I'm done. I'm gonna get fired and killed and thrown away." That was a bad way to feel.
Also, there's the eating disorder thing and all the self destruction behind it. I feel like I no longer feel the intense compulsion to eat things just because they make me sick. I was like "I hate eating this thing, and I'd rather not eat it. In fact, I don't like how it tastes at all, so I won't eat it." as opposed to the previous mental tape of "Well it's not at all appealing. I hate it, but I hate me, too, so I might as well eat it since today is a mess up day. I'll throw today away and start again tomorrow."

Ok what else happened? I reall want my memory to come back, and also to be able to pay attention to what others are saying.

I also want to be bold with the gospel which I realize I am not. I think that's a huge part of why my meditations haven't been as I've wanted them to. Honestly, if I would just take one opportunity to do what I know I can do, I think I wouldn't have to beg God to speak to me, and I wouldn't doubt at all. Ok, there.

ok, on a related note, I was talking to a friend from church today and along comes this girl and starts asking us questions about where to go to do stuff in...this city. heh heh. In my head I just heard this glaring "GOSPEL OPPORTUNITY!!!!" but like, of course I was scared. Well, I'll see this person again soon, probably this weekend, and then I hope she'll be comfortable enough with us to not be scared off by what I'm going to have to say.