Yeah, so I managed to get in one crucial conversation with my sister. I don't remember when. I think it was thursday. I sadiwaht I really had to say. I also called my mom today. That was important.
Ok, so what's really true? When I think about what's on my mind I have to break everything down to what it really at the center of it. I think that's the most important thing I learned at SLT, that above all I need to look at what is crucially going on with me.
So, based on that, what is going on? Well, things are changing again. I'm moving to a new place tomorrow. I need to finish packing.
I found that I'm excited for the fall ministry plans even though it means things will start getting colder. I actually am glad summer is endin. That's crazy talk! I hate non-summer. I especially hate winter. Oh well, I love it now.
SO what's really going on? At the very heart of me, what am I feeling? Do I really have the self-respect I've been fighting to get? DO I really know the truth about who I am.
I don't think so, because my memory is still falling apart, and I fall into all kinds f confusion, because I feel like my mind has suffered enormous amounts of damage. Not physical, because no physical trauma has been suffered, but I feel like my brain doesn't wan't to work anymore, and hasn't for some time, not since I was seventeen. Maybe eighteen. I always think that the shut-down started at seventeen. I don't know why. It's like whenever I go to say my age I go all the way back to seventeen and then I have to remember, Oh, wait, I'm twenty. But I'm seventeen in my mind. It's like there's a void in the last three years, like eighteen and nineteen existed, but I can't grasp them. What on earth was is that messed up my head? And how do I fix it? What is it about my past three years that I started shoving them into a black hole in my head? What happened then? That was the year I got saved. That was the year I got adopted, that was the year I came to understand the kind of person my mother is as I've never understood it before.That was when I read the whole bible that summer and lost a lot of wait, then startd gaining it back in late fall and winter. That was when my backslide started. That was the year I joined the Army and saw my life's direction start changing. That was 2003 and 2004. I think it was the family thing and the moving thing. I think something about the transplant from everything I'd ever known to something functional with everything I needed was what messed me up. I think it was going from abuse, neglect and decay to the realization that what I had lived in all my life was not normal nor good. It was the year my dad left and I was glad he was gone. But he left when I was 16. I was already aware of how poor we were. I finally learned that it was my mom who just couldn't work, and not the workplaces that just weren't right for her. I realized she only cares about herself, and Dad is that same way. I realized that I had been living in abuse and thinking it was normal and right. I had been living in filth and thinking it was clean, I had been in an incredibly dysfunctional family and thinking all families were that way. And then I learned, by moving into a new place, that all that I had known as the norm was infact incredibly abnormal and diseased and just bad. I realized I was very hurt and messed up. I think that's why my memory stopped. And that's the truth.
I think I'm afraid of the truth.