That's a bit disappointing

Just when I was extrememly proud of myself for what new things I had learned at SLT, I go and read my posts from 6 months ago and find I had the same feeling then as I do now. However, I realized the things I have realized are not what has changed, but the importance of those things to me has changed.
What I mean by that is that I haven't gained any new spiritual wisdom, but I have felt that wisdom sink in like it never has before. I have also realised (I don't care about spelling) the need for self respect. That's what the last month was about. It was all about me and what I personally needed. Although it helped to be privy to the lies of others, I really had to concentrate on rsolving ym own issues. It felt really selfish until I thought about Matt 7:3 about taking the plank out of your own eye before you can help your brother take the speck out of his.
I've had an adverse reaction to that verse for a long time. First because I never exactly understood it, and second because my biological mother quoted it all the time and it still never made sense. I rememer her shouting it at me once, making a sweeping indication at something I don't remember and shouting "Speck!" and then making a similar gesture at something else directly in front of me that I don't remember and shouting "Plank!" I do remember being extremely angry at her attitude and how convinced she was that she was right and helping, in contrast to my conviction that she was completely wrong and unhelpful.
Come to think of it, I was always sorely angered by her attempts at problem solving, because they demonstrated her sense of logic, which I found appallingly lacking; and her maturity, which I felt I'd surpassed at about seven.
So yes, I do hate my mother. Or at least I am incredibly angry at her for who she is and what she has done. I'm angry that she never grew up, I'm angry that she exists. I'm especially angry that at least one family member has called me a carbon copy of my mother. I'm angry that I could be associated with and to some people indistinguishable from someone so horrible.
The thought that in someone's mind I am just like someone who doesn't work, who would lift a finger or pay a dime for the sake of her children, who lives entirely for her boyfriend (who is a loser) and who pursues her own superficial happiness before anything is not only infuriating, it's...it's depressing.
No matter how hard I work to support myself, to actually care about and minister to others and demonstrate that I actually have morals, I'm still that hedonistic prostitute. No matter what good I do, I shame my biological family, and maybe even my other family just as much as my dead-beat parents do. That makes me mad.
What my roommate grants herself the liberty to do doesn't really make me mad, even though it is extremely rude. The way she makes decisions for and speaks on behalf of me without my consent, that's a little abusive, but it doesn't make me mad. The way she never waits for anything but makes impatient, bad decisions that screw me over, that does make me mad, but not a mad as my mom does.
My mom takes advantage of everyone she can, and then gets mad at them when they don't want to take her crap.
The truth is everything I can't stand about my roommate just reflects my hate for my mom. And in truth, my roommate is a better duplicate of my mom than I am, by far. Although my anger at her is nothing like my anger at my mom. I used to, as a very angry child, envision killing my mom with an axe (in a cartoon sort of way)
that was an extremely bad time.
I can't stand being angry. It happened the other day and it scared me. I don't like how I can feel the heat burning in my forehead. I don't likehow it crunches up my brain with tensions.
It don't like how it fogs up my vision so i can't even see straight. I feel like I've been injected with hot sugar. All my veins feel grainy and on edge. I shake. I can't think properly because I'm so angry. I don't want to kill anyone when I'm angry anymore, but i do want to yell at them.
i especially don't like being self-righteously angry, cuz then I can't listen.
I could go through a whole nother SLT just to get through that. Oh well, these breakthroughs don't only happen at camp, Still, I have a feeling that wasn't my last monthlong stay at Cedat Campus. There's still Crew, Volunteer, or Staff, if i am so called. I really looked up to the non-staff volunteers, I could so relate to wanting to volunteer all that time and work just to serve SLTers.
Ok, enough rambling. At least I told the truth. Will would be proud of me.