what on earth to say

Ok, so for the past couple of days I've been falling apart. Maybe the whole week. It started out fine, and I'll be rolling along fine, but then I'll flip into a ditch and catch on fire. I feel really sick , I feel really mad.
I'm really frustrated and really confused.
I have some idea what's going on. I think my defenses are a little worn down. I think they're a lot worn down. I think it's a whole lot of spiritual attack.
That's enough, knowing what it is. It still bothers me and it's still messing up my day. How disappointing.
Ok, I am extremely angered at what my mom said to me today when she posted a reply on my other blog. I knew she would say it but it still makes me mad.
If there is anything that scares me about feeling crazy it's the thought that I could ever be like her. To be anything like her would makes me want to die. It's bad enough that her family thinks I'm just like her. Of all the things I'm ashamed of it's her and my dad. It's the things they've done and are still doing and it's the people they are. It's the marks they left on me. There are the actual bruises and scars and a couple of burns, and then there's the laziness, the stubbornness, the self-centered worldview. There's the anger. There's the mental disease and the gastro-intestinal disease.
There's my mom's body and my dad's eyes. I forgot his face but I remember his eyes. How could I forget them?
I used to be so consumed with being angry about inheriting physical attributes from my parents. I remember when I stopped drawing, partly because I didn't want to be an artsy loser like my parents, the art majors who shouldn've gotten real degrees and real jobs.

I'm still waiting on my emotional release. Today i realized that maybe all the disasters that happened were supposed to lead me toward that crying breakthrough I've been waiting to finish ever since it started three weeks ago. I remember. The ast full day at SLT and I actually cried for real. Well, I started crying. I didn't finish, I just stopped.